Resolving Conflicts

Resolving Conflicts
Michael Cohen
COM325 - Communication & Conflict
Angela Winfrey
February 4, 2012




    Resolving conflicts could possibly be the most important tool any individual could every acquire during their lifetime. With the fact of there being millions of people in this world, the likelihood for each and everyone of those people agreeing on any topic of conversation or project, is pretty much impossible. Each and every person in this world is different in so many ways. Their morals, values, personalities, traditions, culture all play a very intricate part of their point of views as well as their opinions in any situation. One of the most essential concepts to learn, is the idea that conflict is a way of life. There are many conflicts that arise in everyday life, they each fall into certain categories and topics. In the following passage we will explore each of these conflicts and follow the practices of what to do in each of those situations.
    The first topic we will explore is: Why does conflict occur? “ It occurs because there are deep divisions in our society that carry over into our interpersonal relationships. There are cultural divides between ethnic, racial and religious groups (Cahn, pg 2).” Those are just naming a few divides in our culture that create differing opinions on various topics. Having these divides, you must create a way to unite. The most common way of uniting people regardless of their background is communication. Some people involved in conflicts would rather use the practice of ignoring the person or the situation. This is how conflicts escalate. This is not the solution to resolving conflict. Ignoring your personal reservations, focusing on topics that may not interest you, putting aside your schedule - are ways of using communication to resolving conflict. Focusing on why conflict occurs and applying it to everyday life or varying circumstances, is a great way to understand where other people and point of views originate from.
    For instance in a professional setting such as my current position at a local restaurant, there are two levels of employees that have differing views on particular situations that occur. There are managers and chefs whom are salary based employees, as well as servers and bussers that are hourly based employees. This causes conflict in the basic way that the restaurant is run. There are policies and rules that the managers want us to go by, in terms of having a certain amount of staff to take care of our guests and providing a certain quality of service. The managers and chefs earn a salary no matter how busy or how slow the restaurant is, it’s way easier for them to follow those policies and rules. Being an employee where the majority of my income comes from the quality of service and the amount of tips that I earn, I personally would like to have as many tables as I possibly can, which may go against those policies and rules. From the perspective of the managers, this may create a lack of attention on some of my tables depending upon how busy I may be. Understanding their point of view as well as abiding by the rules, this takes away conflict from occurring from my standpoint. Being able to have this comprehension on why conflicts occur, this creates a favorable and successful working relationship between the managers and myself.
    Personally I would make sure I would ask myself the question, “What is the conflict here?” Then after assessing the situation, I would see how I could resolve this conflict. Applying conflict management, would be the best way to start in figuring a way to come to a conclusion. This would be a great start to getting past a conflict and to a resolution.
    Another topic to explore is conflict management. Conflict management is defined as, “ The communication behavior a person employs based on his or her analysis of a conflict situation (Cahn, pg 8).” This is how we have various ways of dealing with conflict. Conflict resolution is also involved in the concept of Conflict management. Conflict resolution “ refers to only one alternative in which parties solve a problem and expect that it will not arise again (Cahn, pg 8).” This is a key part of conflict management. A good use of conflict management happens when there is good communication from all involved parties. “Skills are not innate; they are learned. We develop them through experience (Cahn, pg 9).” This is a great quote to live by. No one is born a genius. Everyone handles things differently. It all comes down to how well we perceive situations and accept them. The more experience you have with various conflicts, will determine how you deal with conflict. “Conflict has an emotional cost that remains after the battle is over. Win or lose, the scars may be with you for the rest of your life. Some people spend their lives focusing on the promotion they “lost,” the business they “lost,” the divorce they “lost,” the project they “lost.” This tunnel vision keeps them locked in the grip of their own anger (Levine, pg 34).”
    In my own personal experience, I was born and raised in Brooklyn, New York. I grew up in a very ethnic neighborhood with racism surrounding my family and myself. I learned first hand how the color of one’s skin, the languages they communicate with, or one’s religious practices; play into various every day life situations. I grew up with people I enjoyed playing sports and hanging out with, no matter what ethnicity they were. This was something through my entire life I have brought with me. In every city I have lived, I’ve always been able to get along with anyone and been able to avoid conflicts as best as I could. There is no possibility of being right about every topic, but to be able to see the other person’s perspective makes that argument or discussion, a whole lot easier to have.
    Establishing a open, healthy line of communication in any instance is the first step to managing your conflict. Being open and up front with anyone, keeping “your door open” lines your situation up for success. Lack of communication could be the demise of any possibility of compromise and resolution.
    I remember there was one instance of conflict when I was in third grade. I cannot recall her name but let’s name her Mrs. E. Mrs. E was my favorite teacher out of all the teachers I ever had up until that point, during my time attending my elementary school. I had been given the duty of handing out the attendance sheet to each teacher in the school. I would love going to the classrooms of all my old teachers. We’d exchange hugs and sometimes the teacher would bring up a memory involving myself. I had come to the classroom of Mrs. E. Keep in mind during elementary school, I had a very bad stuttering problem. I was very self conscious of it and it was a very sensitive subject to me. Mrs. E was teaching her class, I had knocked on the door and walked in. She greeted me with a big hug and sat down in her seat. I handed the sheet to her and began to walk out. She for some reason brought up an instance of when I got stuck reading from a book in her class. She imitated me and made her class laugh at the re-enactment. I was obviously embarrassed and angry but I decided to turn around and walk out. I was very upset and told my parents about what happened. It was an early experience and I definitely didn’t understand the concept of conflict management, but looking back it fits as a good example. I could’ve reacted a certain way, but I didn’t. I handled it as maturely as a fourth grade kid could have at that point in life. I ended up looking to set up a meeting with Mrs. E and my parents. I told her how she made me feel, and she ended up apologizing. It didn’t fix the problem but it was the only solution, we decided to take without having her lose her job.
    Climate in a communication situation is another example of conflict topic. A conflict climate is defined as “the psychological atmosphere impacting a conflict, to these opposing concepts; imbalance of power versus equity, competition versus cooperation, distrust versus trust and defensive versus supportive behavior (Cahn, pg 103).” Climate is a term used referring to the physical appearance or characteristics of the surrounding environment. When you walk into a room of people, you notice the different faces, the different clothes, the different voices, their mannerisms, the temperature of the room, smell of the food from the kitchen - these all constitute as examples of climate. Conflict management is difficult to provide favorable results when it undergoes a harmful conflict climate. This refers to any type of negative feeling such as: dishonesty, defensiveness, and competition. These types of feelings create a negative environment for any contesting parties involved. On the latter, a nurturing conflict climate is much more favorable and much easier to negotiate when the feelings of: cooperation, trust, collaboration and openness are present.
    In a professional setting such as my own at the restaurant I work at, conflict climate is an issue that is present more often than not. Depending on the shift and the manager on duty, the climate varies. Some managers are more passive and some are more aggressive. Some make decisions based upon “the book”, some make their decisions based upon the current situation and just simply use their common sense. The servers know the different managerial styles of each and for the most part favor the same people. With the managerial styles come different personalities and moods. For an example, one of the managers is recently divorced. She doesn’t have many friends or many social encounters out of work. She likes to complain about her situation and insinuate how she’s feeling at any opportunity. Anyone working with her during a shift, knows how negative she can get and quite frankly, it brings down the moral of the staff. There are some times when she’s in such a mood, people would rather go home early than work an entire shift with her, knowing how she gets. Knowing how she gets, I like to keep a positive, friendly and comedic approach with her. To create a positive mood or a looser situation in any situation regarding her. It seems as as the shift progresses she loosens up and comes more friendly and approachable.
    If I was in her position as a manager of a restaurant, I would portray positivity and conformity to my staff. I would do everything in my power, to not let any out of work or personal circumstance affect the shift that I would be running. I acknowledge the fact that I am a person that my employees look to in any circumstance. To be approachable no matter what, is a very important characteristic for me to have, in order for my staff to follow and work as hard as possible.
    Conflict, anger, and aggression are a part of life, and a major part of stress. How can one productively express negative thoughts and feelings that may provoke disagreement or hostility? What are useful ways of making challenging requests, disagreeing, and expressing feelings of anger? How does one deal with anger and aggression from others? Although conflict, anger, and aggression are often not pleasant, they can have healthy consequences. They can provide needed energy and motivation to change. They can sensitize one to problems that may be hidden. Conflict, anger, and aggression are destructive when they are irrational (as with prejudice, bigotry, and homophobia). They can contribute to physical pathology if not realistically dealt with; indeed the chronic overexpression of anger can be just as personally destructive as holding anger in (Stewart, pg 215).” Stress and anger are very important topics regarding conflict. There are so many aspects of life that can cause stress. Finances, relationships, careers, health, are a couple of examples to name a few. Stress is defined as “A biochemical reaction within the body because of the way in which we interpret and respond to external pressures, which may be positive or negative (Cahn, pg 121).” Stress causes conflict. There are different types of stress. Eustress is a stress that helps push and encourage us to put more effort into important activities. Another type of stress is Hypostress. Hypostress is when you are bored by your current situations. Hyperstress occurs quite often and is when too much is on our plate and we’re unable to manage the stress. Lastly is Distress. Which is when you feel like you have no control over the stressful situation and where it’s coming from isn’t understood. The best approach to stress management is called,
    ABC approach. A= stressor, B=beliefs or thoughts, C consequences to the stressor. This methodology is how to assess your stressful mindset, diagnose and hopefully reduce the stress into being manageable. The stressor (A) is the event that triggers the stress. It would be an ideal situation if there was a way to completely prevent any event from creating stress in our lives. There are two ways of doing that: the first,  is by changing something in the environment. You do this by turning off your cellphone during class or by deleting the number of that lingering, annoying ex-girlfriend or boyfriend. The second is by changing the environment entirely. You change the environment by physically moving out of the current situation you’re in, to a different, fresh brand new environment and situation. The beliefs(B) we take the lemons and turn them into lemonade. You take the current situation and start looking into other positive, constructive alternatives to your original situation. Lastly consequences (C), typically consist of the result of how you either change, or your situation remains the same. There are specific consequences for either direction such as positivity, starting over, or being openminded. Or becoming upset, suffering major anxiety and possibly falling into a depression.
    Regarding stress in my personal life, my introduction to the ABC approach occurred a couple years ago. I was finishing my chemotherapy treatment for my Leukemia diagnosis and I decided I wanted to go back to college. I was forced to take a mandatory medical leave to be treated for two and half years of chemotherapy. Every move that I made was overseen by my hematologist/oncologist. I had to receive permission from him for my return to college. He said I could as long as I stayed out of a cold environment. A long story short, I decided to pick up every thing I owned and moved to San Diego. Not having any friends, family - not knowing a single soul. I viewed this drastic move as a the stressor in my life. Every where I went in my hometown, I was reminded of my diagnosis and a bunch of painful memories. The belief part took a couple years after to realize. Celebrating six-years cancer free this past January, my belief of taking my survivorship and my label of being a cancer survivor, I’ve decided to create a non-profit organization dedicated to young adult cancer patients and survivors. The consequences part I could only say would be positive. I view life as being much more precious and valuable than every before. Every person, every second, every minute I cherish, that would be the best consequence you could ask for stemming from a cancer diagnosis.
    With anger, it comes hand in hand with stress. The more stress you have the more chances you have to become violent. “Repressing anger within oneself is not healthy because it only remains hidden until something happens to cause it to express itself in behavior. Often this expression is overblown and/or unfairly displaced on someone, or something, other than the actual cause of the anger. Physical and emotional problems can also result when anger is not acknowledged and held inside (Dunne, pg 6).” Anger is defined as, “ A strong feeling of displeasure, a synonym for antagonism and rage (Cahn, pg 140).” Anger is a temporary sensation that is caused by conflict. It usually starts out in the verbal abusive stage and depending upon how its treated or approached, it could turn into physically abusive.
    A personal experience with anger. I remember years ago when I was dating my first girlfriend, we had got into an argument. I was very immature and wasn’t able to contain my anger or my emotions. I remember yelling and screaming and saying whatever came to my mind without thinking. Then the fight escalated to the point of me throwing a punch into my door and getting my fist stuck in the door. I actually had bruised my knuckle and needed to have a splint on my hand. Was the last time I ever have gotten into a fist fight with anything or anyone. I just realized it is definitely not worth it, getting that mad or angry over anything. Regarding anger, I’ve become much more passive as I’ve grown up. I take less important things, less seriously. I take more important things, more seriously. Having a good list of your priorities in your mind, is a good way to gauge whether something is important to get angry about or even to stress about. Anything you don’t have control over, don’t bother stressing - it just isn’t worth the toll it could take on your health.
    The last concept topic is forgiveness. Forgiveness is defined as, “A cognitive process that consists of letting go of feelings of revenge and desires to retaliate (Cahn, pg 176).”  This is an essential method of coming to conclusions regarding stress and anger. “For forgiveness to be fully functional, it needs to operate both publicly and privately, both as a ritual speech-act and as a manifestation of affective reattunement. Publicly, it needs to operate as a ritual and not as a transaction, because forgiveness, unlike a transaction, can neither require nor demand reciprocity (Allers, pg 3).” I believe many more people and countries in this world should adopt a policy of forgiveness. Regarding any personal situation between individuals as well as countries and organizations. There is too much violence due to grudges held over the course of years for some people and centuries over various countries and regions.
    On a personal reference regarding forgiveness, I had one instance that stands out during my experience with cancer. When I was diagnosed at the at of eighteen, I had a really tight group of friends who were very supportive of me. Many of them visited me at the hospital. Some brought cards, balloons, hugs, high-fives, just well wishes. My close friend at the time, Mike didn’t show up at all. Each and every time I would see my other friends, I would ask where was Mike? They always told me how hard he took it and he wasn’t able to go to hospitals. At the time, I couldn’t comprehend why he wouldn’t want to see me. All of my other friends were there but him. I was hurt and at the time very close-minded to why he wouldn’t come. I was mad at him for a couple months. At one point I realized how hard it must’ve been for someone to see their friend in that position. I never had to visit a friend of mine who was dying, so I guess I never would understand how he felt unless I was in his position. So I forgave him. From that point on, forgiveness has not existed in my mind because I don’t hold any grudges towards anyone. If you’re important enough to stay in my life, then I care about you and if you ever made me angry, I’d get over it. If you aren’t important to me, then I frankly don’t care. Life is too short to hold grudges.
    Focusing on these conflict topics it really goes to show how important it is to utilize all of them in order to resolve conflicts. There are many contributing factors to conflicts and many more ways of resolution. Since everyone is different each person may have a different way of handling conflicts and the methods of conflict resolution differently than others. After exploring all these different methods of conflict resolution, it finally puts a title on methods you might have used in the past. For those who have been successful at conflict resolution, as well as those people who need help with conflict resolution, it doesn’t hurt going over the methods as well as usage of each. Hopefully in each of your daily lives, conflict is a bit easier to deal with after reading this paper.













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Reference Page
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2. Cahn, D.D., & Abigail, R.A. (2007). Managing conflict through communication (4th ed.). Boston, MA: Pearson Education, Inc.

3. Dunne, Gerry. Anger and Conflict Management : Personal Handbook.
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4. Levine, Stewart. Getting to Resolution : Turning Conflict into Collaboration  (2nd Edition).
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